Search Engine Deliveries

These are the most common terms people have used to find this blog in the last week:

  • Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise
  • Lace knickers
  • Chinese train porn
  • Sexy wet t-shirt naughty
  • Sexy group sex pictures
  • Psycho blood spatter
  • Monster sex sins

I am perturbed. I prefer to think of myself as literate, intelligent, thought provoking in a challenging, but not offensive sort of way. I am well-read, well-educated, well-travelled and well, considering it’s all a work in progress, I thought I was doing fairly well.

Now I’m not so sure. It’s not just a question of rising above the incessant stream of media and pop-culture porn. Like – I am just sooo above all that, it’s not even an issue. And I just KNOW everything I publish on my blog reflects how sophisticated and witty I am. That’s just as clear as the dew on a daisy at dawn. So will someone tell me how these icky bottom-feeders are landing here? I mean, there ought to be a way to keep them out. Like I would actually write about the sort of stuff up there. Blech, blech and blech.

brad-pittOn a typical day, Google delivers me 40-50 people looking for photos of Brad Pitt. This is the only photo of Pitt I’ve got – from an article on Chick Flicks. I wonder if it pleases or disappoints? He is kinda cute, but I think he’s had a nose job since then.

The ‘Psycho blood spatter’ and ‘monster sex sins’ queries will undoubtedly take them to a piece on horror movies.

But you’ve really got to wonder just what the seeker had in mind with the phrase, ‘monster sex sins.’ Hmmm… I suppose I could Google it and see what comes up… Oh Crikey! It’s 3-D animated porn! Here’s a pic of the monster – since this blog only discusses porn, but doesn’t show porn between humans and other humans, humans and animals, or humans and extraterrestrials, the rest is left to your imagination. Strangely, the female in question appeared to be enmonster-sex-sinsjoying herself.

Yes, there are ‘normal’ queries, people looking for something about the Staten Island Ferry, or a review of Malena or pictures of hotel lobbies. But they are the minority. The reality is most of the people who end up here via a search engine are actually looking for porn. A lot of it much ickier than wet t-shirts and lacy knickers…

I’ve thought about this. If I want this blog to be successful, I should be putting some hard-core porn on it… I bet those porn-seekers would become regular readers. One problem of course is, I wouldn’t know where to get porn of my own – I’d have to steal it from somewhere on the web… Hmmm – I’m not looking forward to being strong-armed by enraged porn-purveyors… I don’t know.

I guess I’ll carry on as I am, leading those porno seekers on. Let them think they’re wandering into a den of iniquity – only to find we’ve got iquity in spades. That’ll show ’em! Or something…

Something else occurs to me – I get a lot of readers from Alpha Inventions. There’s almost no porn there. I wonder what those folks are really looking for???

Published by Titirangi Storyteller

Telling tales from around the world

4 thoughts on “Search Engine Deliveries

  1. “So will someone tell me how these icky bottom-feeders are landing here”

    If you “tag” your article with “porn” you shouldn’t be SHOCKED when people search for porn and find it. But I know what you mean. The last search that found my blog was “chainsaw monkey”, and yesterday someone searched for “dad smells of poo”. I wonder what they were looking for….


  2. I had a similar recent article, except that I listed search terms that had little or nothing to do with anything on my site (

    * valerie bertinelli topless
    * naked klingon women
    * topless lobsters
    * scottish kilt organist
    * beautiful naked women with their legs sp
    * lady wrestler leg photos
    * guy jumping guitar album cover
    * swedish women football women beach tople
    * artistic hair dye raccoon
    * tall naked chicks

    These search terms lead to nothing on my site. Nada. I review crappy album covers on my site, and some of the album covers depict topless women — but topless lobsters? Also, contrary to some sexual fantasies of some of my search engine users, I have no pictures of Valerie Bertinelli, and certainly no pictures of her topless. What I do have of VB, is a bad drawing of her face on an album cover together with bad drawings of other celebrities on the same cover. Also, contrary to the search engine users’ sexual fantasies I do not depict klingons, klingon women, or naked klingon women. I did have an album cover with William Shatner. And, no, he was fully clothed. And I had a video of Leonard Nimoy singing “Bilbo Baggins”. He was fully clothed — don’t worry.

    I have no one wearing Scottish kilts, and not many organists — all of whom wear pants. No lady wrestlers on my site; Can’t fathom what someone means by “guy jumping guitars”. I have no jumping guitars and I can’t think of any jumping guys. I also have no Swedish female football players, no Swedish Football players, and no football or football players.

    If you come to my site to look for porn, you will be very bored. By Internet standards, the nudity I depict is quite dull. You have to have a pretty empty life if you need to visit a blog for your sexual fulfillment. The rest are inexplicable in a similar fashion.


    1. ha ha! I agree… I was part of a compilation project back in Rochester New York in 1980 Called the City That Brought You Absolutely Nothing. Very collectible now. There’s no place to stick a picture here, or I would! That cover cost us thousands – and it was 4-colour! But even then I knew it was cheesy…


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